I gained 5 pounds.
This doesn’t sound like much, but it feels like I gained a bowling ball. It actually kind of sucks.
My clothes don’t fit right.
Looking in the mirror almost hurts.
I am constantly stuffed with food. I try to eat a healthy diet, but eating at least 2500 calories worth of broccoli, spinach and chicken breasts is not easy. (JK, I eat a lot of peanut butter) I eat dense foods a lot, and they fill me up too, but I still need to make a mental note of getting those calories.
I think I might just call the calorie thing quits. It is frustrating to eat when I am hungry, not eat enough, then make a mental note of how much I ate at the end of the day to come to the conclusion that it was not enough, and I must eat more to make up for it.
I wake up every morning without the hunger I love so much. (weird, I know) I just want to be normal. I want to get my period. I want to be the weight I was a month ago. I want to run 10 miles with ease. I want to do sprints with the college Marine guys. I want to work out vigorously. I want to eat healthy and count my macronutrients.
I am stuck in an eating disorder mentality. And. It. Sucks. I will just stick with intuitive eating
I feel fat. When I feel fat, I do this:
~ I look in the mirror and tell myself that God made me, therefore I am beautiful, because everything he makes is beautiful.
~ I remind myself that I ran 13.1 miles in 2:00:17. Wow.
~ I remind myself that I am more than my looks.
~ I remind myself that I am healthy.
~ I am doing this for a reason: Overcome amenorrhea once and for all!
~ Screw you eating disordered mind!
Then my moment of “fatness” is over, and I admire my legs (my favorite physical asset of myself).
God loves me, and he reminds me of this every day. Why do I treat Him with such disrespect by hating the way He created me?
P.S. Sorry that this is all over, but I needed to vent.